**This blog was written by guest author Melissa Luies**
We’re always hearing that we could be having better sex, a better orgasm, or a better relationship. But not being able to orgasm? That's one we don't hear about often. Imagine, as you reach the build-up to the climax and just as your toes reach over the edge- it all disappears. Like unwilling edging. Now, onto today’s topic: how to get past those frustrating orgasmic blocks that prevent you from coming.
Possibility #1: You Don’t Know What An Orgasm Feels Like
Lots of women have never had an orgasm before, and sometimes there’s a fear of the unknown that can come up. You might find yourself worrying about what having an orgasm will really be like, and that fear may end up preventing you from having one. You can learn how to give yourself an orgasm, in the privacy of your own space. That way you'll know what to look out for when you're with a partner.
Possibility #2: You’re Afraid Of Losing Control
Our society is control-obsessed. We want to be in charge of every minute detail our lives, and we can feel incredibly anxious when we’re not in the driver’s seat. Unfortunately, control often a myth. There are so many aspects of our lives that we have absolutely no control over, and orgasm is one of those — but that’s what part of what makes an orgasm so fun! The point is that you don’t need to be in control of something to have it be pleasurable.
If you still find yourself afraid of the physical experience of losing control, it’s important to understand that having an orgasm doesn’t mean you lose complete control of your body. You’re not going to get up and start running around the room. You’re not going to become a completely different person. This might seem obvious, but there are so many women who don’t realize just how much they psyche themselves out about “what will happen” if they let go. At the moment, try reminding yourself of these realities.
Possibility #3: You Don’t Feel Comfortable With Your Partner
Having an orgasm is a vulnerable experience. Sometimes our bodies can feel blocked because we don’t fully trust the people that we’re sleeping with. Even if you think you’re comfortable with that person, your body may still be picking up on some sort of energy that it doesn’t like.
If you’ve felt blocked with certain partners but not others, that may be your body’s way of sending you a message that it’s just not ready to have an orgasm with that particular person. In some cases, all your body may need is a little more time to get to know your partner. In others, it might be a sign that this person isn’t the right fit for you.
Possibility #4: You’ve Had Bad Sexual Experiences
It kills me every time I have to type this, but over one in four women has experienced some sort of sexual abuse in her life. Countless more have had sexual experiences that felt difficult or uncomfortable. Our bodies hold onto that trauma, even if our minds think that we’re “over it”. If you’ve experienced any sort of negative sexual experience, it can be very hard to stay present at the moment and allow yourself to experience pleasure.
If you've experienced any sort of trauma, I highly recommend considering booking a consultation with a psychotherapist.
Possibility #5: You’re Distracted
One great strategy you can use during sex is to come up with a mantra to help bring yourself back into the moment. When you start getting wrapped up in thoughts about your blockage, say to yourself, “OK, I’m getting distracted again, but I want to try to focus on the pleasure instead.” Keep gently bringing your attention back into the present moment. You can also try taking slow, deep breaths, which will help you relax and feel more connected to your body. The point is to focus on the sensations you're feeling in your body, and not to think specifically about the blockage.
Possibility #6: You’re Just Not Sure What The Block's About
Sometimes it can feel really hard to know what that damn blockage is all about! If none of the above possibilities is resonating for you, try asking yourself, “what am I afraid of?” or “what’s the worst that could happen?” Your adult brain is going to kick in immediately and say, “this is so silly! There’s nothing to be afraid of!” Try to gently put those thoughts aside and keep asking yourself with curiosity and openness. Or try a different tactic by visualizing yourself having an orgasm with someone, and see what comes up for you. These little exercises may help you get to the root of what’s going on for you in those blocked moments.